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Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are
actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly
to ME, Dr Bernie, at fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
28 December 2007
Hi Everyone!
Last fRIDAY
fUNNIES of the year.
Stay great in 2008!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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- Stan Kegel -
Riddles
- Tom Sokolowski Conversation
- Mark Colman The Pope and Hillary
- Irving4 Holy Sh
- Maureen Zack Tickle
Me Elmo
- Tom Sokolowski
- Service
- Tom Sokolowski Churches and Squirrels
- Neil Stenlake Pet Shop
- Barbara Rosenberg Weather
Warning
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Stan Kegel - Riddles
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do dentists get fat?
Because just about everything they do is filling
What happened when the
cross-eyed dog chased a squirrel in the woods?
It barked up the wrong tree.
.
What made the dogcatcher
wealthy?
He was paid by the pound.
What does a young boy in
summer have in common with a tired dog?
They both have short pants.
Why did Johnny take a ruler
to bed?
So he could see how long he slept.
What did the ocean liner
became when the professors took a cruise?
A scholar ship (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski - Conversation
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Many times
when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in
sitting in my back yard and having a vodka and cranberry
juice along with a quiet conversation with Jesus. This happened to me again after a
particularly difficult day.
I said
"Jesus, why do I work so hard?"
And I heard
the reply: "Men find many ways to
demonstrate the
love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful,
beautiful place for your friends and family to
gather."
I said: "I thought that money was the root of
all evil."
And the reply
was: "No, the LOVE of money is the
root of all evil.
Money is a
tool; it can be used for good or bad".
I was starting
to feel better, but I still had a few burning
questions, so I asked.
"Jesus," I said, " What is the
meaning
of life? Why
am I here?"
He
replied: "That is a question many
men ask. The answer is in
your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with
you some more, Senor, but for now, I have to finish
your lawn."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Mark Colman The Pope and Hillary
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton
are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.
'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before,
so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope,
"Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every
Democrat in the crowd go wild?"
He
doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering
from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.
The
Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, considers what he
could do. "That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little
wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This
joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go
deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and
rejoice."
The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One
little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So
the Pope slapped her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Samsung Electronics
Caller:?????????
'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator:????
'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller:?????????
'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to
unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before
cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator:????? 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'
---------------------------------
Caller (inquiring about
legal requirements while traveling in
'If
I register my car in
---------------------------------
Tech Support:????????? 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen,
can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer:????????????????
'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller:?
'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So,
if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Irving4 Holy Sh
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple of unbelievable photos.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Maureen Zack Tickle Me Elmo
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There is a factory in
Well,
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The
Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up,
putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men
march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up
that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory
floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around
two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics
he pulls himself together and approaches
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think
you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski - Service
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning
of the word "service."
"It's the act of doing
things for other people."
Then
I
heard these terms which reference the word
SERVICE:
Internal
Revenue SERVICE
Postal SERVICE
Telephone SERVICE
Civil SERVICE
City &
Customer SERVICE
SERVICE Stations
Then I became confused about the word
"SERVICE." This
is not what I thought "SERVICE" meant.
So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and
one of them said he had hired a bull to "SERVICE"
a few of his cows.
BAM! It all came into perspective.
Now I understand
what all those "SERVICE" agencies
are doing to us.
I hope you now are as enlightened as I am...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski Churches and
Squirrels
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There were
five country churches in a small
The Presbyterian Church,
The
The
The Catholic Church, and
The Jewish Synagogue.
Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky
squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to
decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they
determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't
interfere with God's divine will.
In the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery.
The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the
squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow, and there were twice as many
there the next week.
The Methodist church
got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's
creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles
outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
But, the Catholic church came up with the best and
most effective solution: They baptized the squirrels and registered them as
members of their church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard about the Jewish synagogue, but they took one squirrel and
had a short service with him called circumcision, and they haven't seen a
squirrel on the property since.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Neil Stenlake Pet Shop
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A tourist walked into a pet
shop and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there, another
customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper,"I'll
have a C monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the
side of the shop and took out a monkey.
He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, that'll be
$5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went
over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Why
did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can
program in C very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at the
monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What
does it do?" "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage
object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful
stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around
for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag
around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs
more than all the other put together! What on earth does it do?" The
shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it doing anything, but
the other monkeys call him the project manager."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg Weather Warning
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHEN YOU SEE THIS ON YOUR WAY OUT THE DOOR IN THE MORNING
.....
go back in and have
another cup of coffee. It is probably not going to be a good day!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend and
a great 2008!!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie
Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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