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fUNNIES can be found at http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com (full media) and at http://groups.yahoo.com/groups/fridayfunniesbydrbernie
(text-only). The archives reside at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are
actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly
to ME, Dr Bernie, at fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
24 January 2008
Hi Everyone!
A terrific set of fUNNIES this week, I
must admit … To everyone who sent stuff in, thanks! It’s still in the queue, and hopefully, it’ll
see daylight soon!
Note the warning … some of the pictures, are well, maybe they’re not PC,
ok? You’ve been warned!
Stay great! Enjoy the sun (ha!) and the
weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Barbara Rosenberg - NO PARENT
LEFT BEHIND....
- Stan Kegel –
Irish Humor
- Susan Finkelstein via
the Imberbabe – Irish Viagra
- Denny
- Aunt Marilyn – My Living
Will
- EMDAlan – Your Drivers
License Tells It All
- Tom Sokolowski –
- Jackster – Very Interesting
Stuff
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg - NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I promise
you cannot read these and not laugh out loud.
These are real notes written by
parents in an
Spellings have been left intact.
1. My son is under a doctor's
care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on
jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today She is administrating.
5
Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and
misplaced his hip.
6. John has been
absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt
in the growing part.
8. Megan could not
come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre
in his side.
10. Please excuse ray friday
from school. He has very loose vowels.
11.
Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She
had diahre dyrea
direathe the shits.
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent
yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
13.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Stan Kegel – Irish Humor
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy was driving down the
street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a
parking place.
Looking up to heaven he
said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a
parking place, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give
up me Irish Whiskey."
Miraculously, a parking
place appeared.
Paddy
looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Father Murphy walks into a
pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to
heaven?"
The man said, "I do
Father."
The priest
said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the
second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly,
Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the
wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked
up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?
O'Toole said, "No, I
don't Father.
The priest said, "I
don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go
to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh,
when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right
now."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Susan Finkelstein via the Imberbabe
– Irish Viagra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his
advice in reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."
"Not a problem," replied the doctor "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.
It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.
Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to
her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus
and begorrah! T'was horrid!
Just terrible, doctor!"
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect
was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with
his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and
tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there
passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute
nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband
provided wasn't good?"
"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But
sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show
me face in Starbucks again !
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Denny
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The
following will probably amaze and startle you.. .
One glass of water shuts down midnight hunger pangs
for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a University study.
Lack of water is the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly
ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.
A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with
basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or
Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus
it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to
develop bladder cancer.
Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day?
(No kidding, all of the above is true...)
Of course, too much water may have strange side effects.
Now that I have your attention, go get another
glass of water! --BUT BE VERY CAREFUL.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Aunt Marilyn – My Living Will
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said
to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on
some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull
the plug."
She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw
out my wine.
She's such a b
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from EMDAlan – Your Drivers
License Tells It All
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother is driving a
little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old
are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother
replied.
"It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and
are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a
divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to
her friend.
"Well," say s the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything
on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you
are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that
out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I
know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the
mother asks. "Why?"
Because you got an F in sex."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet pub.She
gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively
signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently
caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartende
r. "Is there anything I can do?"
'Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her
forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her
fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap,
or paper towels in the ladies room."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man in
Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes.
He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a
sign, which read 'Calls: $10,000 a minute.' Seeking out the pastor he
asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden
phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk
directly to God.
The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit
churches in
Finally, he arrived in
Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor, "Reverend, I have been
in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden
telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could
talk to God, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute.
Your sign reads only 35 cents a call.
"Why?"
The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, 'Son, you're in
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Jackster – Very Interesting
Stuff
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In
the 1400's a law was set forth in
-------------------------------------------
Many
years ago in
-------------------------------------------
The
first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV
were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
-------------------------------------------
Every
day more money is printed for Monopoly than the
-------------------------------------------
Men
can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
-------------------------------------------
Coca-Cola
was originally green.
-------------------------------------------
It
is impossible to lick your elbow.
-------------------------------------------
The
State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
-------------------------------------------
The
percentage of
-------------------------------------------
The
percentage of
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The
cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The
average number of people airborne over the
61,000
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Intelligent
people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The
first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Each
king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades
- King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius
Caesar
------------------------------------------------------------------------
111,111,111
x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
------------------------------------------------------------------------
If
a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the
person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person
died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs
on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Only
two people signed the Declaration of
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q.
Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A.
Their birthplace
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q.
Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name
requested?
A.
Obsession
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q.
If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would
find the letter 'A'?
A.
One thousand
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers
all have in common?
A.
All were invented by women.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q.
What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A.
Honey
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q.
Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A.
Father's Day
------------------------------------------------------------
In
Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When
you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep
on. Hence the phrase......... 'goodnight, sleep
tight.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
It
was the accepted practice in
------------------------------------------------------------------------
In
English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old
It's
where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Many
years ago in
------------------------------------------------------------------------
At
least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
Don't
delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.
I
cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty
uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn
mnid deos not raed ervey lteter
by istlef, but the wrod as
a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
YOU
KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...
1.
You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2.
You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3.
You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4.
You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5.
Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't
have e-mail addresses.
6.
You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is
home to help you carry in the groceries.
7.
Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8.
Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first
20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn
around to go and get it.
10.
You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11.
You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12.
You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13.
Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14.
You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15.
You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9
on this list.
~~~~~~~~~~~AND
FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
NOW
U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Go
on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly
distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other
lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is
intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended.
Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually
desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
Have you gotten this
fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the
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Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie
Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY
fUNNIES, 1996-2007. All Rights Reserved.