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Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are
actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly
to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
9 February 2008
Hi Everyone!
To my loyal faithful readers: my most humblest
apologies! No fUNNIES
last Friday (lots of rain, didnt have to get up, so it became
a vacation day), and yesterday,
well, lets call it a hardware problem that still isnt completely resolved! Oy!
So anyway, I made this issue a GIANT in
the tradition of Archie, Veronica, Jughead and Mr Weatherbee! Extra funnies are included, so make a few
extra minutes for these
a splendid time will be had by all!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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- Stan Kegel Assorted Fun
- Maureen Zack The
Kennedy Plan
- Tom Sokolowski Mothers Know
- Barbara Rosenberg
Old But Still Cute
- Annie Shum Drunk Student Swallows Doorkey
- Jim Lewis Self-Explanatory
- Neil Stenlake Bacon and Eggs
- Maureen Zack
Loving Husband
- Irving4 Nothing Lasts
Forever
- Maureen Zack Vote Carefully
- EMDAlan - Little Melissa Ginsberg
- Mark Colman Spanish to Communicate With
Your Maid
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Stan Kegel Assorted Fun
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two
lawyers were walking down
-----
A
guy was cleaning a septic tank and accidentally fell in. He couldn't swim so he
just went through the movements!
-----
Max
the plumber was summoned to a mansion to fix a leak and, discovering a very
pretty maid there, he lost no time trying to combine business with pleasure.
The girl refused on the grounds that her mistress was home, and she didn't want
to be discovered and fired. After several refusals, Max finished the job and
returned to his shop. Next morning his phone rang and his caller was the maid.
In dulcet tones, she informed him that her mistress was out and asked if he
wanted to come over and see her. "What!" yelled Max. "On my own
time?"
-----
A little girl and her
mother were out and about.
Out of the blue, the girl
asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"
The mother responded,
"Honey, women don't talk about their age.
You'll learn this as you
get older."
The girl then asked,
"Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
Her mother responded again,
"That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as
you grow up."
The girl, still wanting to
know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did
you and Daddy get a divorce?"
The mother, a little
annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts
me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl,
frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She
consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.
The girlfriend said,
"All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license.
It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."
Later, the little girl and
her mother were out and about again.
The little girl started off
with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are.
You're 32 years old."
The mother was very
shocked.
She asked,
"Sweetheart, how do you know that?"
The little girl shrugged
and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130
pounds."
"Where did you learn
that?"
The
little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a
divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: explanation of why the government is such a mess!!!
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat
so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an Airplane!)
2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go
to Capetown. I started to explain the length of
the flight and the passport information. Then she interrupted me with,
"I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown
is in
3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is
it possible to see
5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he
could rent a car in
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Maureen
Zack The Kennedy Plan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski Mothers Know
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day my mother was out
and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who
is four years older than I am. I was maybe 3 and a half
years old and had
just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other
injuries.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one
of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening
news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought
Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of
tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made
her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it
was 'just the cutest thing!!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea
for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then she says to him, 'Did it
ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is
the toilet??'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg Old But Still Cute
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.
He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high
and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting
it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench,
which he places in front of the piano. The
little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by
Mozart! 'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands
it to the bartender and says: 'Here Rub it.'
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a
beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just one
wish...each person is only allowed one!'
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a
million bucks!'
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another
duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they
keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know,
I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million
ducks.' 'No shit!!' says the man, 'do
you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Annie Shum Drunk
Student Swallows Doorkey
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Keyhole
surgery? Drunk student swallows doorkey
Wed Feb 6, 7:25 AM ET
A British student
swallowed his door key to prevent friends from forcing him to go home because
he was drunk, reports said Wednesday.
Chris Foster,
studying computer design at Bournemouth University in southern England, had
drunk six beers as well as vodka and whisky when his friends decided he should
go home and sleep it off.
But the 18-year-old
wanted to keep partying. "My friends said I'd had too much to drink and
should go to my room. But I didn't want to so I swallowed my door key," he
said, according to the Daily Mirror.
He slept on a
friend's sofa, and the next morning couldn't remember a thing. When told what
he had done, he thought they were joking. "I thought it was a wind-up when
my friend said I had swallowed it.
"But my throat
and stomach didn't feel quite right."
A nurse friend
advised him to go to hospital just in case -- and he was finally convinced when
the two-inch (five cm) house-key showed up clearly on an X-ray.
"I was stunned
when I saw the key, but couldn't stop laughing -- even the doctors were
sniggering. They said 'let nature to take its course' and it appeared next
day," he said.
Fully
recovered -- albeit still a little sore -- Foster remains philosophical about
the experience.
"I just
laughed at the idea of stopping drinking, I wanted to carry on and not go home.
So I dry swallowed my own door key as a prank," he told the
"It didn't
hurt at the time but now my throat is slightly scratched and it's so painful to
eat and drink."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Jim Lewis Self-Explanatory
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Neil Stenlake Bacon and
Eggs
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy comes down to
breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his
chores.'Not yet,' said the little boy.
His mother tells him no
breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little ticked, so he goes to
feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he
kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for
breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
'How come I don't get any
eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks. 'Well,' his
mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I
saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. ! I also
saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk.'
Just then, his father comes
down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy
looks up at his mother with a smile, and says 'Are you going to tell him, or
should I?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(another from Maureen Zack Loving Husband
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Irving4 Nothing Lasts Forever
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Maureen Zack Vote Carefully
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John the farmer was in the
fertilized egg business. He had several
hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets',
and ten roosters, whose
job it was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into
the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he
bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each
bell
had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster
was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency
report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite
rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he
was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell
hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were
chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets ,
hear ing the roosters
coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so
it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to
the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the
judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No
Prize but they awarded him the Pulletsurprise
as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a
politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted
awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace
and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully...the bells are not always audible!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from EMDAlan - Little Melissa Ginsberg
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Melissa comes home from
first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of
Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish,"
she asks,"will God get mad at me for giving
someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I
don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish
girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think
that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a
Little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love
everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone
how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.
"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open,
the Marines could shoot the f
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Mark
Colman Spanish to Communicate With Your Maid
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E-eDBST6TLI
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly
distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other
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intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended.
Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually
desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie
Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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fUNNIES, 1996-2007. All Rights Reserved.