The current issue of the fRIDAY fUNNIES
can be found at
http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com (full media) and at http://groups.yahoo.com/groups/fridayfunniesbydrbernie
(text-only).
The archives reside at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are
actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly
to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
22 February 2008
Hi Everyone!
Pictures, videos, and some seriously funny fUNNIES! A great week to click and surf over to the
full media version – http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com
… you won’t be sorry!
Hope you’re still enjoying winter (I can’t wait for spring!!)
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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- Neil Stenlake – Logical vs Legal
- Aunt Marilyn –
Finally, Drugs for Women
- Tom Sokolowski
– Boudreaux’s Donkey
- Barbara Rosenberg -
1955
- Stan Kegel – Jest for Kids
- Dick Sziede –
- cousin Toby – Jewish Mothers
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(from
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Love ‘em all!! I tried to scatter them more or less evenly
throughout the entire issue this week - drB
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Neil Stenlake – Logical vs Legal
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After
having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", Danny goes and
confronts his lecturer about it.
Danny:
Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?
Professor:
Surely I must, otherwise I would not be a professor! Danny: Great, well then I
would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will
accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you
give me an "A" for the exam.
Professor:
Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?
Danny:
What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical nor
legal?
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give Danny an
answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.
Still
puzzled, the professor later calls on his best student in his class, Sihle, and asks him the same question.
Sihle immediately answers,
"Sir, you see, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old
lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your
wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither
legal nor logical."
The
professor fainted.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
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Ever participate in a cubical war with your colleagues? This is the ultimate cubical war prank!
http://www.5min.com/Video/How-To-Win-A-Cubical-War-6392599
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Aunt Marilyn – Finally, Drugs for Women
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW
DRUGS FOR WOMEN
DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell
for up to 8 full hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and
loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you
couldn't wait till they moved out.
ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by
rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out
increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo,
can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and
pickup trucks.
FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by
controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic
for older women. Increases
resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better
person. "
BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of
spending spree.
JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't
remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on
anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.
Now, send these to any woman who needs a good
laugh, and any man who can handle it
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski – Boudreaux’s
Donkey
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Boudreaux left the bayou
and moved to
' Well, den' said Boudreaux, ' jus' give my money back, yeah.
'
'I can't do that Sir, I went and spent it already.'
'OK, den. Jus' unload dat donkey.'
'What are you gonna do with him?'
'I'm gon-to
raffle him off.'
'You can't raffle a dead
donkey, you dumb Cajun!'
'Well dats
where you wrong!! You wait you! an' you learn how
smart we Cajuns are!'
A month later the farmer
ran into the Cajun and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
'I raffled dat donkey off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars
apiece and made $998.'
'Didn't anyone complain?'
'Just dat
guy who won. So I gave him his two
dollars back.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg - 1955
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A crusty old Marine
Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts
college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in
attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me,
Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering
you?"
"Negative,
ma'am.
Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked
at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot
of action."
"Yes,
ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring
of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten
up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just
stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You
know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you
had sex?"
"1955,
ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since
1955!"
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to
"relax" him several times.
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice,
"I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
(Don't ya love military time?)
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(from Stan Kegel – Jest for Kids
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RIDDLES
What does a dentist do on a
roller coaster?...
He braces himself
What kind of person steals
soap?
A dirty crook
What do you get when you
cross a rabbit with a spider?
A hare net.
(Lederer & Ertner)
What do you get when you cross a rattlesnake
with bread dough?
A snake that
rattles and rolls. (Lederer & Ertner)
PUNS
A man rushed into the
doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The
doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a
little patient."
Piano players know what bar
they're in. (Mike Bull)
I called the plumber on the
phone, "Can you come over and fix my kitchen sink again?" His
encouraging reply, "You know I'm always at your disposal."
A dry cleaner was indicted
for money laundering. A deal is being ironed out.
The chef at a family-run
restaurant had broken her leg and came into our insurance office to file a
disability claim. As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take. Under
"Reason unable to work," she
wrote: "Can't stand to
cook."
GROANERS
While making rounds, a
doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students. "As you can
see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia
are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?"
"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too.
Constant nagging didn't
seem to provide any relief from having to clean up the bathroom after each of
my three teenage children. After I cleaned it one day, I resorted to posting a
sign that read: "Please leave the bathroom as you found it." I
noticed the bathroom was in the usual mess after my son used it, so I called,
"Brian, how did you find the bathroom?" After a brief pause, he
replied, "Straight down the hall, first door on the right."
It
was during the war. A soldier was found lashed to the train tracks and his
remains were spread widely when he was run over. The police with the assistance
of the F. B. I. and Army intelligence rapidly investigated the incidence. A
press conference was called and the police chief was asked if this were part of
a foreign plot. "No," said the chief, ...
"We believe there was a locomotive."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Dick Sziede –
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two bass players for the
After the opening movement, the bassists have a long break before they play
again in the final movement. These two particular bass players were tired
of sitting through the whole performance twiddling their thumbs, so decided
that they would sneak out the back door during middle of the performance and
grab a drink at the bar across the street, returning in time for the final
movement. Before the performance, they used pieces of twine to bind
together the middle pages of their shared sheet music. This way, they
could quietly leave right after the opening part was over, and when they
returned, they would be able to pull the string and turn right to the last
page.
The players timed it perfectly for the Thursday and Friday evening performances,
their absences went unnoticed. Saturday, however, they ran into an old
friend at the bar who bought several rounds of tequila shots. The bass
players had gotten drunk and lost track of time. They suddenly realized
that they were going to be late for their final part in the symphony.
They were too drunk to get a hold of themselves, so they staggered back into
the music hall, laughing and hiccuping loudly.
The whole place fell silent, wondering what would happen... it was the
bottom of the ninth, the score was tied, and the bassists were loaded …
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(from cousin Toby – Jewish Mothers
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If you know or
have a jewish mother, you’ll
get it!
http://www.aish.com/movies/PurimMoms.asp
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A few extra ‘Roberta’
pictures!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly
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don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged -
actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie
Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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fUNNIES, 1996-2008. All Rights Reserved.