The current issue of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com (full media) and at http://groups.yahoo.com/groups/fridayfunniesbydrbernie
(text-only).
The archives reside at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are
actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly
to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
29 February 2008
Hi Everyone!
Get ready
some great fUNNIES are here
today! Apologies to everyone who sent in
a great joke and I just ran out of room!
But theyre in
the queue!
Have a superdooper weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Syman This is My Story
- Neil Stenlake - Promises
- Barbara Rosenberg - The Rebbetzin and the Butcher
- Stan Kegel Puns and Groaners
- Barbara Rosenberg
Babysitting Dad
- Tom Sokolowski Calories Burned During Sex
- Paul Keister On the
Oil Crisis
- Don Top
10 Signs You Might Be A Muslim Member of the Taliban
- Tom Sokolowski
Anyone You Know
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Syman This is My Story
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We all get heavier as we
get older because there's a lot more information in our heads. So I'm not fat.
I'm just really intelligent and my head couldn't hold any more so it started filling
up the rest of me!
That's
my story and I'm sticking to it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Neil Stenlake - Promises
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg - The Rebbetzin and the Butcher
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Rabbi died and his widow, the Rebbetzin,
was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get
married again. The town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the
town butcher.
The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed, because she
had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education.
However, she was lonely, so she agreed, and they were married.
After the marriage, Friday came. She went to the Mikvah,
the Jewish ritual bath to get rid of impurities.
Then she went home to prepare to light the candles.
The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother told me that after the
Mikvah and before lighting the candles, it's good to
have sex."
So they did.
She lit the candles.
He leaned over again and said, "My father told me that after lighting the
candles it's good to have sex."
So they did.
They went to bed after saying their prayers. When they awoke he said to
her, "My grandmother said that before you go to the synagogue, it's good
to have sex."
So they did.
After praying all morning, they came home to rest; and again he whispers in her
ear, "My grandfather says after praying it's good
to have sex."
So they did.
On
Sunday, she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked,
"So how is the new husband?"
She replied, "Well, he's no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Stan Kegel Puns and Groaners
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PUNS
In order to become an
electrician, you have to go through a battery of tests.
Did you hear about the
blonde who waited on the street corner with a piece of bread to get some
traffic jam.
Medical insurance is what
allows people to be ill at ease!
Tailors have a measure of
happiness because they are well suited to their jobs.
Every oven in the
restaurant was broken. The patrons got a raw deal.
"I saw Pinocchio last
night! No, not the movie, the real Pinocchio!"
"You're joking!?"
"Nope, I wooden kid you!"
GROANERS
A police officer notices a
car weaving in and out of traffic so he takes off after it. Pulling up along
side of it, he notices a little old lady behind the wheel and she is knitting
as she drives.
Completely flabbergasted,
he yells for her to, "Pull over! Pull over!"
"No!" she shouts
back, "It's' a scarf!"
The old west was full of
cowboys who were good cow-ordinators. They had
consider-a-bull talent, though sometimes they would stirrup trouble. Sometimes
they took hay to bed in order to feed their night mares. One cowboy reached for
his gun and drew a blank. Eventually they would go off to a rodeo to try and
get a few bucks. (Mike Bull)
Working
for a pediatrician calls for stifling a chuckle from time to time. When a
frantic mother phoned to tell us her baby had a high temperature of 102, we had
to know whether she was taking the reading under the arm, in the mouth or
elsewhere. So we asked, "How are you taking it?" Her reply: "Oh,
I'm holding up pretty well.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg Babysitting Dad
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day my mother was out
and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my
favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy
a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea
and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea,
because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough,
here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink
it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :)
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water
is the toilet?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski Calories Burned
During Sex
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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(from Paul Keister On the Oil Crisis
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On the oil crisis
A lot of folks can't understand how we came
to
have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well,
there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody
bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We
just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The
reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our
OIL is located in
~~~
~~~
~~~
Coastal
~~~
Coastal
~~~
~~~
~~~
and
~~~
Our
DIPSTICKS
are
located in
Any
Questions ???
NO?
I didn't Think So.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Don Top 10 Signs You Might Be A Muslim Member of the
Taliban
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10. You refine heroin for
a living; but you have a moral objection to beer.
9. You own a $500 machine
gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
8. You have more wives
than teeth.
7. You think vests come in
two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of
anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
5. You consider television
dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.
4. You've never been
asked, "Does this burka make my ass look
big?"
3. You were amazed to
discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
2. A
common compliment is, "I love what you've done with your cave."
And, the NUMBER ONE SIGN
you might be a Muslim member of the Taliban:
1. You
wipe your ass with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski Anyone You
Know
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
< some fun photos >
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man and his dog were
walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly
occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and
that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the
road was leading them.
After a while, they came to
a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine
marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in
the sunlight.
When he was standing before
it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and
the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked
toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough,
he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is Heaven,
sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen
to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of
course, sir.
Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."
The man gestured, and the
gate began to open.
"Can my friend,"
gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?"
the traveler
asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment
and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going
with his dog.
After another long walk,
and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a
farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There wa s no fence.
As he approached the gate,
he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
"Excuse me!" he
called to the man. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a
pump over there, come on in."
"How about my friend
here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.
"There should be a
bowl by the pump."
They went through the gate,
and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the
water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave
some to the dog.
When they were full, he and
the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.