The current issue of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
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(text-only).
The archives reside at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
Contributions (jokes, NOT money!)
are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent
directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
5 March 2008
Hi Everyone!
Have fun!!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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- Steven Imberman -
- Stan Kegel – Riddles
- Tom Sokolowski – A Hilary Ad from
- Elyse in
- Alan Knight – Hotel Bill
- Neil Stenlake - A Helpful Tip For
Later Years!
- Scott Dismukes - Need
a Favor
- Neil Stenlake -
- Barbara Rosenberg –
Growing Old
- Tom
Sokolowski – Plans for W’s Library
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(from Steven Imberman -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chelsea Clinton recently discussed
current events with a
She asked if, as an American fighting
man, anything scared him.
He told her there were only three
things he feared:
1) Osama
2) Obama
AND
3) Yo Mama
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Stan Kegel - Riddles
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did the
cowboy get a dachshund?
Everyone kept telling him to get a long,
little doggie.
What do two
vegetarians say to each other when exchanging wedding vows?
"Lettuce unite."
What kind of
person steals soap?
A dirty crook
Why couldn't
the chicken find her eggs?
She mislaid them.
What do you
give a dog with a fever?
Mustard. It's the
best thing for a hot dog!
Why do
firemen wear red suspenders?
To keep their pants up.
Why did the
tuna swim to
Because
it wanted to be a starfish.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski – A Hilary Ad
from
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Hillary political ad from
http://www.jibjab.com/view/227796
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Elyse in
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In an effort
to overcome the continuing criticism that he is unsupportive, and in fact
dismissive, of Israel , one of America 's closest allies today,
President
Bush announced that he is converting to Judaism in the hope that
this will demonstrate his affinity and empathy with the Israeli people.
Authorities
have been unable to handle the many millions of applicants who volunteered to
be the mohyel ( for those
that don’t know, this is the guy who performs the circumcision).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Alan Knight –
Hotel Bill
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to
consider this.......
A husband and wife are travelling by car from
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and
they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and
take a room, but they only plan to sleep three or four hours, and then get back
on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk Clerk hands them a bill for
$350.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the
clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly
aren't
worth $350.00.
When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on
speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has
an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center
that were available for the husband and wife to use.
'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.
'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the
hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from
'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the man again.
'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, 'But we didn't
use it!'
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He
writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. 'But sir,' he says, 'this
check is only made out for $50.00.'
'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my
wife.'
'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here, and you could have !
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Neil Stenlake - A Helpful Tip
For Later Years!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old man
goes into a chemist to buy some Viagra “Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?”
" I can cut them
for you " said the chemist " but a quarter tablet will not give you
a full erection. "
" I am 96
" said the old man . " I don ' t
want an erection . I just
want it sticking out far enough
so I don’t piss on my slippers. "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Scott Dismukes - Need a Favor
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My neighbor has a puppy he's giving away
(FREE!). It's a Dachshund, it's house broken,
and it's great with kids.
He's giving it away because his wife says the dog 'stares' at her when she is
undressing, and that gives her the 'Heebie Jeebies'. I think she is just weird!
If you're interested, or know someone who is, let me know. Here's a picture of
the dog (see below).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Neil Stenlake -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. I am
currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail
to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.
2. You are
receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was
in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3. Sorry to
have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I
can be promoted to our management team.
4. I will be
unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation.
Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5. Thank you
for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words
and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6. The email
server is unable to verify your server connection.
Your message
has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and
over and over....)
7. Thank you
for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are
currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19
weeks.
8. Hi, I'm
thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my
response.
9. I've run
away to join a different circus.
10. I will be
out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return,
please refer to me as 'Susan' instead of Steve.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg – Growing Old
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with
two drops of water. As the bartender gives
her the drink she says,
I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's
today."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll
buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on
me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says,
"I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of
water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I
would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you." Bartender, I want another Scotch with two
drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of
curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two
drops of water?"
The old woman replies,
"Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your
liquor. Holding your water, however, is
a whole other issue."
"OLD" IS WHEN.....Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs
and make love," and your answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN.....Your friends compliment you on your new
alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN.....A sexy babe catches your fancy and your
pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN.....Going braless pulls all the wrinkles
out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN.....You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN....."Getting a little action"
means you don't need to take any fiber today.
AND
"OLD" IS WHEN.....YOU ARE NOT SURE THESE ARE JOKES
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski – Plans for W’s
Library
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Plans for
the George W. Bush Presidential Library have been released.
The Library will include:
- The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction and lookslike a disaster.
- TheAlberto Gonzales Room,where you can't
remember anything you see or hear.
The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't have to even show up.
- TheWalter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.
The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.
- TheWeapons of Mass Destruction Room(which no one has
been able to find).
The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first tour, they make you go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth tour.
The Dick Cheney Room, in an undisclosed location, complete with shooting gallery.
Plans also include:
- TheK-Street Project Gift Shop - Where you can buy (or just steal) an
election.
- The Airport Men's Room, where you
can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.
Last, but not least, there will be an entire floor devoted to a 1/8 scale model of the President's ego.
To highlight the President's accomplishments, the museum will have an electron-microscope to help you locate them.
There are no plans yet on where in the library to put the President's book.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie
Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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