The current issue of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com (full media) and at http://groups.yahoo.com/groups/fridayfunniesbydrbernie
(text-only).
The archives reside at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are
actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly
to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
14 March 2008
Hi Everyone!
Fabulous! Politics are in
this week in a big way! And don’t miss
the last one this week – as my old friend Minda used
to say, it’s a hoot! Hope you get those
great chuckles to start your weekend off right!
:-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Mark Colman – 2008
- Chuck Hopf – Driving Miss Hillary
- Tom Sokolowski
– Pickup Line
- Stan Kegel –
Jest for Kids
- Barbara Rosenberg – The Polite Way to
Pee
- Tom Sokolowski
– True or False?
- Chas Young – Irish Sausages
- Dick Sziede
- Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
- Aunt Marilyn - Don't
Fart in Bed
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
from Mark Colman - 2008
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It takes a minute or so to load … and it’s
probably a couple of years old … but it’s good!
Too bad Baraq isn’t in it!
http://jokelibrary.net/yyPictures/m/2008b.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
from Chuck Hopf – Driving Miss
Hillary
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
from Tom Sokolowski
– Pickup Line
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced
him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen up, Buddy. I
screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front
door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with
clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing
it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "'No kidding. I'm a lawyer,
too. What firm are you with?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
from Stan Kegel
– Jest for Kids
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Irish!
Irish who?
Irish you a happy Saint Patrick's Day
Caesar had just become the emperor. Mark Antony comes into the throne
room and shouts, "Hail! Hail! Hail! Oh mighty
Caesar!" Julius jumps up
from his throne and angrily shouts, "How dare you hail while I am
reigning!"
RIDDLES
What
did one arithmetic book say to the other arithmetic book?
"Boy, do I have
problems!"
What did one car muffler say to the other car muffler?
"Am I exhausted!"
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the baseball team?
She always ran away from the ball.
What did the thief do at the goose farm?
He took a gander
How does a boat show affection?
It hugs the shore.
Can you read the following? Yy u r yy u b I c u r yy
4 me.
Too wise you are, too wise you be, I see you are too wise for me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
from Barbara Rosenberg – The Polite
Way to Pee
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During
one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to
teach good manners, asked her students thefollowing
question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,how would you tell her
that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the
dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good
manners?'
'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have
to shake hands with a
very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'
The teacher fainted . . .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
from Nancy Roth – Monkey Experiment
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Start with a cage
containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a
set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start
to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the
other monkeys with cold water.
After a while, another monkey makes
an attempt with the same result: all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold
water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other
monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold water.
Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey
sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all
of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows
that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the
original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the
stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with
enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a
fourth, then the fifth. Every time the
newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are
beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why
they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
After
replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever
been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the
stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the
way it's always been done around here.
And that, my friends, is how a company policy begins.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
from Tom Sokolowski
– True or False?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Can you guess which of the following are true and which are
false?
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more
efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every
ten years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being
indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your
heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are
lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every
minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until
they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years
waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12 . 40,000 Americans are
injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other
time of day
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is
to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves
without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An
Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the
21. In most television commercials
advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in
place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the
same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used
a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords
cut from women who give birth.they are used in vein
transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were
7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola it would be
green.
Happy Guessing! Now scroll down & see the answer. You
will be surprised.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
from Chas Young – Irish Sausages
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Can I
have some Irish Sausages, please?" asked the Irishman, walking up to the
counter.
The assistant looked at him
and asked: "Are you Irish by any chance?"
"If I had asked you
for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?"
demanded the Irishman indignantly.
"Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was
German?" Then, warming to his
theme, he went on,"Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?"
"Or, if I asked you
for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?"
"Would ya? Would Ya?"
The assistant said:
"Well no."
Suitably encouraged by the
success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear. "And if I asked you
for frog's legs, would you ask me if I was French?
What about Danish Bacon,
would you ask me if I was Danish?"
"Well, I probably
wouldn't," conceded the assistant.
So, now bursting with
righteous indignation, the Irishman says, "Well, all right then, why did
you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?"
The assistant replied,
"Because you're in a hardware store.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
from
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For those of you in foreign lands, New York Governor Eliot
Spitzer was implicated in a prostitution ring on Monday. He resigned on Wednesday. And today is Friday! What took so long for these to appear!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
from Dick Sziede
-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The moment could be right!!!! A Message from John Cleese
To the citizens of the
In light of your failure to
nominate competent candidates for President of the
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths, and territories (except
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are
introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the
pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been
pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour'
and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the
suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
(look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient
form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your
behalf. The Microsoft spell- chec ker
will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original
national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using
guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not
grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to
carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts,
and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,
you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not
real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly
called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not
with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at
all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and
European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest
sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part
of
12.
Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in
Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed
with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper
football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be
allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but
does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch
of nancies). Don't try
14. Further, you will stop playing base ball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due
(backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups,
never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in
season.
God save the
Queen.
Only He can.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
from Aunt Marilyn - Don't Fart in Bed
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so
hard, let me know and I'll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had
been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the
husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make
her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them
off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it
was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one
day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to blast them out! Then one Thanksgiving
morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound
asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck,
gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. ??? She
took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently
pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his
underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later
she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a
blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing,
tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back
pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as
she asked him what was the matter.
He said, 'Honey, you were right.' 'All these years you have warned me and I
didn't listen to you.' 'What do you mean?' asked his wife. 'Well, you always
told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out,
and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two
fingers, I think I got most of them back in.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly
distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other
lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended
to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions
(jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and
should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
Have you gotten this
fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the
distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and
just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other
than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!
Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the
weekly email!
Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can
usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie
Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY
fUNNIES, 1996-2008. All Rights Reserved.