The current issue of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com (full media) and at http://groups.yahoo.com/groups/fridayfunniesbydrbernie
(text-only).
The archives reside at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are
actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly
to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
29 March 2008
Hi Everyone!
Sex, puns, drinking, seniors, and of course my favorite, even a
blond joke this week! What can I say –
Even though it’s a bit late, this weeks’ fRIDAY
fUNNIES has it all!
Whoohoo!
:-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Jackster1114 - The Value of a Drink
- Chuck – Typewriter
- Chas Young – The Chinese
Migrant
- SYMAN – A Surgeon
Joke
- Barbara Rosenberg –
This About Says It All …
- Stan Kegel – The Pearly Gates
- Gerry Rusthoven - $7
Sex
- Joel Goldstein – Job Market
2009
- Tom Sokolowski –
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your
brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when
you're jealous!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he,
then?" he demands. She whispers in his
ear: "That's me before the surgery."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Jackster1114 - The
Value of a Drink
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the
wine I drink
I feel shame. Then
I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams .. If I didn't drink
this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I
drink this wine and let their dreams
come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink.
When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as
they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better
looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Chuck - Typewriter
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A husband and wife decided they needed to use code
to indicate that they wanted to have some hanky pakny
without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old
daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The
child told her mother what her dad said and her mom responded, "Tell your
daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there is a red ribbon in
the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter,
"Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her
father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with
the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Chas Young – The Chinese Migrant
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Chinese man decides to
move to
A few days after moving in,
the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across
and welcome the new guy to the region, so he goes next door but on his way up
the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing
about 10 hens not wanting to interrupt these "Chinese customs", he
decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to
try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through
the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not
wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the
welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to
give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading
a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.
The Aussie bloke can't
handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "Jeez Mate, what
the hell is it with your Chinese customs?
I come over to welcome you
to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the
yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and
then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about
shit on you."
The Chinese man is very
taken back and says "Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese
customs I doing, these Australian Customs."
"What do you mean
mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs."
"Yes
they are. Man at travel agent tell me" replied
the Chinese man. "He say to become
true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to
bull-shit"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from SYMAN – A Surgeon
Joke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-From The
A surgeon goes to return
some books he borrowed from the library. The librarian quips after chedking the books.
"Sir, your books are
always returned with the last page missing in every single book.
The surgeon replies, "I
just can't stop myself from removing the appendix whenever I see one."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg – This About Says It All …
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy goes
to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on
him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed
with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics
is al l about.'
The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the
Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in
deep Shit .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three blondes died and are
at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the
gates if they can answer one simple question.
St. Peter asks the first
blonde, "What is Easter?"
The blonde replies,
"Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets
together, eats turkey, and are thankful."
"Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second
blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies,
"Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange
presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the
second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then
peers over his glasses at the third blonde. He asks, "What is
Easter?"
The third blonde smiles
confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."
"Oh?" says St.
Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the
Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus
and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived
and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to
be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns,
and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby
cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly
with delight.
The third blonde continues,
"Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and,
if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Gerry Rusthoven - $7 Sex
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
The man says, "Will you watch us have
sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed
that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When Lennie and
Bonnie finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with
the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, wishes them good
luck, charges them $50 and says good bye.
The next week, Lennie
and Bonnie returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist
is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. Lennie and
Bonnie make an appointment; have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor,
and then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine,
the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying
to find out?"
Lennie says,
"We're not trying to find out anything. Bonnie is married and we can't go
to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges
$98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from
Medicare.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Joel Goldstein – Job Market 2009
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski –
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was entertainment night at the
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat. 'I want you each to keep your eye on this
antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six
generations.'
He began to swing the watch gently back
and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch
the watch...'
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the
swaying watch, clearly under the spell of the hypnotist, when
suddenly, the family heirloom slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, shattering it to pieces.
"Shit!!!' said the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly
distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other
lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is
intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended.
Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually
desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
Have you gotten this
fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the
distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and
just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other
than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!
Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the
weekly email!
Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie
Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY
fUNNIES, 1996-2008. All Rights Reserved.