tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES by Dr Bernie

The current issue of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com (full media) and at http://groups.yahoo.com/groups/fridayfunniesbydrbernie (text-only).

The archives reside at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net

Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

13 June 2008

Hi Everyone!

Get those required laughs in for Father’s Day! These should help!

:-)> Dr Bernie

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Contributions This Week From -
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Syman – Co-Workers
Tom Sokolowski – Speaks for Itself
Chuck Hopf – And If I Die …
Chuck – A !@#$%^ Elephant!
Chas Young – Four Friends
Ken – Ham Sandwich
Scott Dismukes – Cosmic Warning Perhaps?
Neil Stenlake – The Correct Way to Come Home Drunk
Bob Welk via Stan Kegel – The Saint
Dick Sziede - Patriotism

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(from Syman – Co-Workers

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We all know there are some things you just can't say at work, but if we could wear these mood buttons around the office, this is how you co-workers feel on deadline days:

For A Good Time, Call Someone Else.

Not the Brightest Crayon In the Box Now, Are We?

Ask Me About My Ability to Annoy Complete Strangers.

AM I DEAD YET?

I'm Smiling - That Alone Should Scare You.

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(from Tom Sokolowski & from Dave Thorn – Speaks for Itself

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(from Chuck Hopf – And If I Die …

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 IF I Die..... Let's see if I understand how the world works lately...

 If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the

restaurant.

 If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your

family blames the tobacco company.

 If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames

the bartender.

 If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

 If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun

manufacturer.

 And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the

pilot

at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the

deceased blames the airline.

 I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.  So,

if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer,

I want you to sue Bill Gates...okay?

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(from Chuck – A !@#$%^ Elephant!

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Jake is five and learning to read. He points at a picture in a zoo book and
says, 'Look Mama! It's a frickin' elephant!'

Deep breath... 'What did you call it?'

'It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!'

and so it does...

'A f r i c a n Elephant '

Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?

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(from Chas Young – Four Friends

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Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the President of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to

become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he

owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'what are all the Congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame. What a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed.. He's my son and I love him.

And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.

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(from Ken – Ham Sandwich

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other in an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'

The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.' The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'

To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.'

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'

The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.'

The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh ?'

The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my
faith.'

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?

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(from Scott Dismukes – Cosmic Warning Perhaps?

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(from Neil Stenlake – The Correct Way to Come Home Drunk

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Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, 'You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up, and yells at me for staying out so late.

His friend looks at him and says 'Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say! WHO'S HORNY????!!!' and she acts like she's sound asleep! Works Every Time!

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(from Bob Welk via Stan Kegel – The Saint

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President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Episcopal Church outside Washington as part of his campaign to restore his pathetic poll standings. His image handler made a visit to the Bishop and said, 'We've been getting a lot of bad publicity because of the president's position on stem cell research, the Iraq war, hurricane Katrina, and the Veterans Administration. We'll make a $100,000 contribution to your church if during your sermon you will say that the President is a saint.'

The Bishop thought it over for a few moments and finally said, 'The Church is desperate for funding - I'll do it.'

Bush showed up for the sermon, and the Bishop began: 'I'd like to speak to you all this morning about our President who is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence numb-nuts who can't put a compound sentence together.

He bugged out of combat service during the Vietnam War and went AWOL to avoid a drug test, then had all reports on the sordid event destroyed.

He took the tragedy of September 11 and used it to frighten and manipulate the American people.

He lied about weapons of mass destruction and invaded Iraq for oil and money, causing the deaths of tens of thousands and making the United States the most hated country on earth. It is a three-trillion dollar folly.

He appointed fund-raiser cronies to positions of power and influence, leading to widespread death and destruction due to government paralysis after Hurricane Katrina.

He awarded no-bid cost-plus contracts and tax cuts to his rich friends so that we now have more poverty in this country and a greater gap between rich and poor than we've had since the Depression.

He has headed the most corrupt, bribe-inducing political party since Teapot Dome.

The national surplus has turned into a staggering national debt of 7.6 trillion Dollars.

Oil rose from $18 to over a hundred and thirty per barrel, leading to transportation costs which the people of America cannot afford, with low minimum wages, part time jobs, no health insurance, and outsourcing.

Vital research into global warming and stem cells is stifled because he's afraid to lose votes from religious kooks.

He is the worst example of a true Christian I've ever known, but compared to Dick Cheney... George W. Bush is a saint.

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(from Dick Sziede - Patriotism

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Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski

Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

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